Tuesday, December 23, 2008
1. The US has made a new weapon that destroys people but
keeps the building standing. It's called the stock market.
2. Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is
now being called Wal-Mart Street.
3. The difference between a pigeon and a London investment
banker. The pigeon can still make a deposit on a BMW.
4. What's the difference between a guy who lost everything in
Las Vegas and an investment banker? A tie!
5. The problem with investment bank balance sheet is that on
the left side nothing's right and on the right side nothing's left.
6. I want to warn people from Nigeria who might be watching
our show, if you get any emails from Washington asking for
money, it's a scam. Don't fall for it!
7. Bush was asked about the credit crunch. He said it was his
favorite candy bar.
8. The rescue bill was about 450 pages. President Bush's copy
is even thicker. They had to include pictures.
9. President Bush's response was to meet some small business
owners in San Antonio last week. The small business owners are
General Motors, General Electric and Century 21.
10. What worries me most about the credit crunch is that if one
of my checks is returned stamped 'insufficient funds'. I won't know
whether that refers to mine or the bank's.
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Years ago when manure was shipped to various sites for
use or disposal, it really was shipped on a ship.
Because of the obvious stench that would eventually get
much worse as time went on, it was stored on the highest
places on-board the ship as the methane gas would rise.
So, the common phase, Ship High In Transit was coined
to move manure from place to place. As time went on,
the term was abbreviated to what we now call SHIT.
How about that.
Ya learn Sumpthin every day - Rite ???
Friday, December 19, 2008
It was necessary to keep a good supply of cannon balls
near the cannon on old war ships. But how to prevent them from
rolling about the deck was the problem. The best storage method
devised was to stack them as a square based pyramid, with one ball
on top, resting on four, resting on nine, which rested on sixteen.
Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area
right next to the cannon. There was only one problem -- how
to prevent the bottom layer from sliding/rolling from under the
others. The solution was a metal plate with 16 round indentations,
called, for reasons unknown, a Monkey. But if this plate were made
of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the
rusting problem was to make them of brass - hence, Brass Monkeys.
Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and
much faster than iron when chilled. Consequently, when the
temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so
much that the iron cannon balls would come right off the monkey.
Thus,it was quite literally, cold enough to freeze the
balls off a brass monkey. And all this time, you thought that was just
a vulgar expression, didn't you? You must send this fabulous
bit of historical knowledge to at least a few uneducated friends....just as
Monday, December 8, 2008
lived happily ever after in Toronto . The poor lady was not
very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate
with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she
had to shop for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken
legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in
desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to
show her thighs. Her butcher got the message, and gave her
the chicken legs.
Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't
know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and un-
buttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher
understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts.
On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable
to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to
What were you thinking?
Hellooooooo, her Canadian husband speaks English!
Now get back to work.
I don't know about you sometimes!
Friday, December 5, 2008
Daily jokes, Daily humor, Daily Puns, Daily Quotes, Daily Cartoons, Daily Riddles, Daily laffs, etc,. are among the most popular categories for surfin
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Do you realize that some tax forms ask you to check a box if you are BLIND?
Quote: “Two years ago it was impossible to get through on the phone to the IRS. Now it's just hard to get through. That's progress.” -Charles Rossotti, former IRS Commissioner
Disappointed that you never had time to write the great American novel? Don’t fret, just go dig out your past tax returns.
Quote: "The Eiffel Tower is the Empire State Building after taxes."
Under the Freedom of Information Act, a man with a small business sent a request to the IRS asking if they had a file on him. The IRS wrote back, “There is now.”
Quote: “It would be nice if we could all pay our taxes with a smile, but normally cash is required.”
Q: Who audits IRS agents?
Quote: “Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is quite as satisfying as an income tax refund.”
Q: How do you drive a CPA insane?
A: Fill out Form 1040EZ.
Quote: “The government deficit is the difference between the amount of money the government spends and the amount it has the nerve to collect."
Why is it that when the IRS loses a tax return, it is considered a mistake, but when you lose a receipt, it is considered tax evasion?
Quote: "The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling."
Q: How do you humble a person that flaunts their wealth?
A: Have them fill out a tax return.
Quote: “Even when you make a tax form out on the level, you don't know when it's through if you are a crook or a martyr.”
Q: Why is a tax audit like a tornado?
A: There's a lot of screaming and you end up losing your house.
Quote: “When are we going to be allowed to list the government as a dependent?”
People often say death and taxes are the same, but this is wrong. Death is a taxable event, but taxes never die.
Article Source: http://www.ArticlesandAuthors.com - THE Premier Site for Articles AND Authors
About this Article Author:
Richard A. Chapo is with BusinessTaxRecovery.com - obtaining tax refund recovery for overpaid small business taxes. Visit BusinessTaxRecovery.com to read more business tax articles or our new tax credits page.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the
Super Wal-Mart Shopping Center and rolled
down the car windows to make sure my
Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air.
She was stretched full-out on the back seat
and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically,
"Now you stay. Do you hear me?"
The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde young lady, gave me a strange look and said,
"Why don't you just put it inpark?"
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming toward them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locater beacon that activated when the raft was inflated.
A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the Branch and wrote this, "Put all your money in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.
Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that; measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs.. He immediately mailed in his $40.
A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.
The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license.
They arrested the robber two hours later.
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers.
The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass.
The whole event was caught on videotape.
We live in a semi-rural area, (Weyauwega , Wisconsin), and we recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! - I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."
STAY ALERT! They walk among us, they REPRODUCE
. . . and they VOTE!
Some of the best funny love poems are limericks. Limericks started in Ireland and follow a standard form of five lines and a rhyme scheme of aabba. Here are a few limericks written by anonymous authors:
There once was an old man of Lyme
Who married three wives at a time
When asked "Why a third?"
He replied, "One's absurd!
And bigamy, Sir, is a crime."
There was a young fellow named Hammer
Whose had an unfortunate stammer
"The b-bane of my life"
Said he, "Is m-m-my wife
She made friends with a young undertaker;
Her last boyfriend had forsaken her.
But she started to curse
When he turned up in a hearse.
She said next time I'll date a baker!
There was a young lady named Constance,
From boys she wouldn't stand any nonsense.
If her partners grew deft
She would lead with her left;
The results would not weigh on her conscience.
My sweetheart and I are just wed.
Already I wish I were dead.
Two weeks she's been spending.
It was time never ending.
We are thousands of pounds in the red!
Limericks are fairly easy to write if you can rhyme well, so you might try writing a limerick yourself that includes the name of your friend or loved one. This is a good way to make a funny love poem that is personalized.
You can find more information about funny poems at:
Monday, October 13, 2008
A Michigan woman and her family were vacationing
in a small New England town where Paul Newman
and his family often visited. One Sunday morning, the woman got up early to
take a long walk. After a brisk five-mile hike, she
decided to treat herself to a double-dip chocolate
ice cream cone.She hopped in the car, drove to the center of the
village and went straight to the combination bakery/
ice cream parlor. There was only one other patron in the store: Paul
Newman, sitting at the counter having a doughnut
and coffee.The woman's heart skipped a beat as her eyes made
contact with those famous baby-blue eyes. The actor nodded graciously and the star struck woman smiled demurely.Pull yourself together! She chides herself. You're a happily married woman with three children, you're
forty-five years old, not a teenager! The clerk filled her order and she took the double-dip chocolate ice cream cone in one hand and her change in the other.
Then she went out the door, avoiding even a glance
in Paul Newman's direction.When she reached her car, she realized that she had
a handful of change but her other hand was empty. Where's my ice cream cone? Did I leave it in the store?
Back into the shop she went, expecting to see the
cone still in the clerk's hand or in a holder on the
counter or something!
No ice cream cone was in sight.
With that, she happened to look over at Paul Newman. His face broke into his familiar, warm, friendly grin
and he said to the woman, 'You put it in your purse.'
Friday, October 10, 2008
A cowboy, who is visiting Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, 'You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.'
The cowboy replies, 'Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself.'
The bartender admits that this is a nice> custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, 'I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.'
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
'Oh, no, everybody's just fine, ' he explains, 'It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking.'
'Hasn't affected my brothers though.'
Thursday, October 9, 2008
There is a new study just released by the American Psychiatric Association about women and how they feel about their asses. The results are pretty shocking: 1. Only 5% of women surveyed feel their ass is too big. 2. 10% of women surveyed feel their ass is too small. 3. The remaining 85% say they don't care; they love him; he's a good man and they would have married him anyway.
Friday, October 3, 2008
'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared.
I think I'm going crazy
.''Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.
'How much do you charge? ''Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor. 'I'll sleep on it,' I said. Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked. 'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money!
A bartender cured me for $10.
With an attitude, he asked, and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?
'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now ! ! !
SCREW THOSE SHRINKS.. GO HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO YOUR BARTENDER
Sunday, September 28, 2008
31-year-old Olivia Chanes was eating a Hebrew National hot dog at Costco store in in Irvine, California. She felt some hard metal piece in her hot dog as she was chewing. Having determined that it wasn't her braces which were making her feel as if she was chewing metal, she examined the contents in her mouth and found a 9mm bullet.
Chanes called police who dissected the remaining stock of Hebrew National hot dogs searching for any other contaminents. No other contaminents were found in the hot dogs. It would appear that the only bullet to be found was in the hot dog being eaten by Olivia Chanes.
Olivia Chanes ordeal was not over, however. Chanes later had stomach pains and went to the hospital. An x-ray revealed that she had a bullet in her stomach. She showed her x-ray on local television which proved that she was true in her assertion that she'd swallowed a bullet. The bullet must have been in the hot dog which she was eating.
The woman stated that she was glad she had eaten the bullet rather than having it end-up in her stomach by getting shot.
About the Author
Kyle Ware is the marketing manager of a leading software development company for the past 10 years.
Kyle Ware writes articles on weird news for sites such as:World Newspapers Online Magazines Weird News Blog