An elderly man had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond, fixed up really nice, along with some picnic tables and some apple and peach trees. The pond was shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator." Old men may move slow, but we can still think fast.
> A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing > his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday. > > > 'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror. > > > On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! > > He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, > > the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller > Coaster, everything there was. > > > Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. > Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. > > > He then took her to a Mc Donald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. > > > Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and > her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! > > > > > > Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife > with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, > what was it like being six again?' > > > Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly > changed. 'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!' > > > The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, > he is gonna get it wrong.
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician > to ask his advise in reviving her husband's libido. > > "What about trying Viagra?" asked the doctor. > "Not a chance", she said. "He won't > even take an aspirin." > > "Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Give > him an > 'Irish Viagra'. It's when you drop the Viagra > tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try > and call me in a week to let me know how things went" > > It wasn't a week later when she called the > doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress. > The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and > begorrah! > > T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!" > "Really? What happened?" asked the doctor. > > "Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in > his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He > jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and > with his pants a-bulging fiercely! > > With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and > tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and > took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! > It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute > nightmare!" > > "Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, > "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?" > "Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But > sure as I'm sittin here, I'll never be able to show > me face in "Dunkin Donuts" again