WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'
Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.'
Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says . 'HEBREWS'




The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him
at 5:0 0 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him,
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $200 million."Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later,


She became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
'Mum', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'
'Not yet,' she replied.

An elderly man had owned a large farm for several years. He
had a large pond, fixed up really nice, along with some picnic
tables and some apple and peach trees. The pond was
shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond,
as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He
grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and
laughing with glee. When he came closer, he realized it was
a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made
the women aware of his presence and they all went to the
deep end to shield themselves.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out
until you leave!" The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't
come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make
you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he
said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."



Old men may move slow, but we can still think fast.

> A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing
> his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.
>
>
> 'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.
>
>
> On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day!
>
> He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide,
>
> the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller
> Coaster, everything there was.
>
>
> Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.
> Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
>
>
> He then took her to a Mc Donald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
>
>
> Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and
> her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
>
>
>
>
>
> Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife
> with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear,
> what was it like being six again?'
>
>
> Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly
> changed. 'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!'
>
>
> The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening,
> he is gonna get it wrong.

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician
> to ask his advise in reviving her husband's libido.
>
> "What about trying Viagra?" asked the doctor.
> "Not a chance", she said. "He won't
> even take an aspirin."
>
> "Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Give
> him an
> 'Irish Viagra'. It's when you drop the Viagra
> tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try
> and call me in a week to let me know how things went"
>
> It wasn't a week later when she called the
> doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.
> The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and
> begorrah!
>
> T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!"
> "Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.
>
> "Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in
> his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He
> jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and
> with his pants a-bulging fiercely!
>
> With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and
> tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and
> took me then and there passionately on the tabletop!
> It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute
> nightmare!"
>
> "Why so terrible?" asked the doctor,
> "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?"
> "Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But
> sure as I'm sittin here, I'll never be able to show
> me face in "Dunkin Donuts" again

Finally , the guys' side of the story.
( I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear " the rules"
From the female side.

Now here are the rules from the male side.


These are our rules!
Please note.. These are all numbered "1 "
ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon
Or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.


1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.


1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Sex, baseball
Or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;


But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can -
To give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can -

To give them a bigger laugh.