WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'
Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.'
Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says . 'HEBREWS'




The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him
at 5:0 0 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him,
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $200 million."Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later,


She became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

Testicles

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.

'Mum', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'

'Not yet,' she replied.

An elderly man

An elderly man had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond, fixed up really nice, along with some picnic tables and some apple and peach trees. The pond was shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator." Old men may move slow, but we can still think fast.

> A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing
> his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.
>
>
> 'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.
>
>
> On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day!
>
> He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide,
>
> the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller
> Coaster, everything there was.
>
>
> Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.
> Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
>
>
> He then took her to a Mc Donald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
>
>
> Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and
> her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
>
>
>
>
>
> Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife
> with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear,
> what was it like being six again?'
>
>
> Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly
> changed. 'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!'
>
>
> The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening,
> he is gonna get it wrong.

An Irish Woman

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician > to ask his advise in reviving her husband's libido. > > "What about trying Viagra?" asked the doctor. > "Not a chance", she said. "He won't > even take an aspirin." > > "Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Give > him an > 'Irish Viagra'. It's when you drop the Viagra > tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try > and call me in a week to let me know how things went" > > It wasn't a week later when she called the > doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress. > The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and > begorrah! > > T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!" > "Really? What happened?" asked the doctor. > > "Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in > his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He > jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and > with his pants a-bulging fiercely! > > With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and > tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and > took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! > It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute > nightmare!" > > "Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, > "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?" > "Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But > sure as I'm sittin here, I'll never be able to show > me face in "Dunkin Donuts" again

Finally , the guys' side of the story.
( I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear " the rules"
From the female side.

Now here are the rules from the male side.


These are our rules!
Please note.. These are all numbered "1 "
ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon
Or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.


1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.


1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Sex, baseball
Or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;


But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can -
To give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can -

To give them a bigger laugh.

Confucius Say:

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who scratch ass
should not bite fingernails.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who eat many
prunes get good run for money.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Baseball is wrong:
Man with four balls cannot walk.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

War does not
determine who is right, war determines who is
left.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Wife who put
husband in Doghouse soon find him in
Cathouse.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fight with
wife all day get no piece at night.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

It take many nails
to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who drive like
hell bound to get there.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who live in
glass house should change clothes in
basement..

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fish in
other man's well often catch crabs.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Crowded elevator
smell different to midget.

learn chinese in 5 minutes

LEARN CHINESE IN 5 MINUTES (Must be read out loud.) 1. That's not right Sum Ting Wong 2. Are you harbouring a fugitive? Hu Yu Hai Ding 3. See me ASAP Kum Hia 4. Stupid Man Dum Chuck 5. Small Horse Tai Ni Po Ni 6. Did you go to the beach? Wai Yu So Tan 7. I bumped the coffee table Ai Bang Mai Ni 8. It;s very dark in here Wai So Dim 9. I think you need a face lift Chin Tu Fat 10. I thought you were on a diet Wai You Mun Ching 11. This is a tow away zone No Pak King 12. Our meeting is scheduled for next week. Wai Yu Kum Nao 13. Staying out of sight Lei Ying Lo 14. He's cleaning his automobile Wa shing Ka 15. Your body odor is offensive Yu Stin Ki Pu 16. Great! Su Pa Du Pa

How To Book A Comedian

If you are going to book a professional comedian for a corporate event or holiday party there are some things you should know before you start.

Everyone that ever got on stage on open mic night thinks of himself as a comic. While he may have gotten some laughs in front of his friends a corporate event or holiday party could be totally different outcome.

Book a comedian using a professional comedy booking agency. They will know hundreds of established acts that can do a great job. You don't want someone learning the craft while your reputation is at stake. The professional agency can provide proven acts that have performed at events just like yours. An experienced act will be able to deal with the different situations that can arise during the show with ease.

Request a promo pack from the act which will show if they have experience with your kind of event. If you are booking a corporate event the act should have experience with large corporate events listed on his promo. If they don't have anything but comedy club appearances listed be careful. In comedy clubs anything goes and any language is ok. This is probably not the case at the corporate event.

If you use a professional comedy booking agency they will send you a contract that will show the date and time of show. The show will usually last 30 to 45 minuets. It will also show the price agreed on and any other important information. Most will require a 50% deposit in advance of the show and 50% payable prior to the show. Most will have you make the check to the agency and they will pay the talent.

It is an industry standard that you provide a hotel for the talent as well. A professional comic is on the road a lot and nice accommodations are appreciated. Of course if the talent is local that is not necessary.

The venue should have good light and sound. A microphone and stand along with a stool.

Some acts may require other things but this should be spelled out in the contract or the act will supply them.

The comic is responsible to arrive at the venue at least an hour prior to show time. Most will be there much earlier than that. In some cases you may need to pick them up at the airport. This is a good time to tell them about the company or event so they can get some ideas on how to work with the group. If someone in the organization is a practical joker or has a good sense of humor you may want to tell the comic prior to the show.


The live stand up comedy show can bring new energy and fun to your event unlike any other. The comedy show is a great way to break down barriers and allow everyone to share a great experience.
Article Source: http://www.articleset.com

A Doctor's Diet

A gentleman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him
on a newly discovered diet.

"I want you to eat regular meals for 2 days , then skip a day,
and repeat this procedure for 2 more weeks. The next time
I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the man returned, he shocked his doctor by having
lost nearly 60 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said. "Did you follow my
instructions ?"

The man nodded, "I'll tell ya though, I thought I was going to
drop dead that 3rd day."

"From hunger, you mean ?"

"No, from all that skipping!"

Ba-da-Bing! Ba-da Boom!