Jay Leno's Economic Crisis Jokes
1. The US has made a new weapon that destroys people but
keeps the building standing. It's called the stock market.
2. Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is
now being called Wal-Mart Street.
3. The difference between a pigeon and a London investment
banker. The pigeon can still make a deposit on a BMW.
4. What's the difference between a guy who lost everything in
Las Vegas and an investment banker? A tie!
5. The problem with investment bank balance sheet is that on
the left side nothing's right and on the right side nothing's left.
6. I want to warn people from Nigeria who might be watching
our show, if you get any emails from Washington asking for
money, it's a scam. Don't fall for it!
7. Bush was asked about the credit crunch. He said it was his
favorite candy bar.
8. The rescue bill was about 450 pages. President Bush's copy
is even thicker. They had to include pictures.
9. President Bush's response was to meet some small business
owners in San Antonio last week. The small business owners are
General Motors, General Electric and Century 21.
10. What worries me most about the credit crunch is that if one
of my checks is returned stamped 'insufficient funds'. I won't know
whether that refers to mine or the bank's.
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Sunday, December 21, 2008
SHIT
I'll bet you don't know where the word SHIT comes from.
Years ago when manure was shipped to various sites for
use or disposal, it really was shipped on a ship.
Because of the obvious stench that would eventually get
much worse as time went on, it was stored on the highest
places on-board the ship as the methane gas would rise.
So, the common phase, Ship High In Transit was coined
to move manure from place to place. As time went on,
the term was abbreviated to what we now call SHIT.
How about that.
Ya learn Sumpthin every day - Rite ???
Years ago when manure was shipped to various sites for
use or disposal, it really was shipped on a ship.
Because of the obvious stench that would eventually get
much worse as time went on, it was stored on the highest
places on-board the ship as the methane gas would rise.
So, the common phase, Ship High In Transit was coined
to move manure from place to place. As time went on,
the term was abbreviated to what we now call SHIT.
How about that.
Ya learn Sumpthin every day - Rite ???
Friday, December 19, 2008
Cannon Balls
CANNON BALLS! DID YOU KNOW THIS?
It was necessary to keep a good supply of cannon balls
near the cannon on old war ships. But how to prevent them from
rolling about the deck was the problem. The best storage method
devised was to stack them as a square based pyramid, with one ball
on top, resting on four, resting on nine, which rested on sixteen.
Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area
right next to the cannon. There was only one problem -- how
to prevent the bottom layer from sliding/rolling from under the
others. The solution was a metal plate with 16 round indentations,
called, for reasons unknown, a Monkey. But if this plate were made
of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the
rusting problem was to make them of brass - hence, Brass Monkeys.
Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and
much faster than iron when chilled. Consequently, when the
temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so
much that the iron cannon balls would come right off the monkey.
Thus,it was quite literally, cold enough to freeze the
balls off a brass monkey. And all this time, you thought that was just
a vulgar expression, didn't you? You must send this fabulous
bit of historical knowledge to at least a few uneducated friends....just as
I did!
It was necessary to keep a good supply of cannon balls
near the cannon on old war ships. But how to prevent them from
rolling about the deck was the problem. The best storage method
devised was to stack them as a square based pyramid, with one ball
on top, resting on four, resting on nine, which rested on sixteen.
Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area
right next to the cannon. There was only one problem -- how
to prevent the bottom layer from sliding/rolling from under the
others. The solution was a metal plate with 16 round indentations,
called, for reasons unknown, a Monkey. But if this plate were made
of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the
rusting problem was to make them of brass - hence, Brass Monkeys.
Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and
much faster than iron when chilled. Consequently, when the
temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so
much that the iron cannon balls would come right off the monkey.
Thus,it was quite literally, cold enough to freeze the
balls off a brass monkey. And all this time, you thought that was just
a vulgar expression, didn't you? You must send this fabulous
bit of historical knowledge to at least a few uneducated friends....just as
I did!
Monday, December 8, 2008
No Speak English!
A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they
lived happily ever after in Toronto . The poor lady was not
very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate
with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she
had to shop for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken
legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in
desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to
show her thighs. Her butcher got the message, and gave her
the chicken legs.
Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't
know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and un-
buttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher
understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts.
On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable
to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to
the store...
What were you thinking?
Hellooooooo, her Canadian husband speaks English!
Now get back to work.
I don't know about you sometimes!
lived happily ever after in Toronto . The poor lady was not
very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate
with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she
had to shop for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken
legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in
desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to
show her thighs. Her butcher got the message, and gave her
the chicken legs.
Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't
know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and un-
buttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher
understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts.
On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable
to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to
the store...
What were you thinking?
Hellooooooo, her Canadian husband speaks English!
Now get back to work.
I don't know about you sometimes!
Friday, December 5, 2008
Daily jokes, Daily humor, Daily Puns, Daily Quotes, Daily Cartoons, Daily Riddles, Daily laffs, etc,. are among the most popular categories for surfin
Daily jokes, Daily humor, Daily Puns, Daily Quotes, Daily Cartoons, Daily Riddles, Daily laffs, etc,. are among the most popular categories for surfing on the. Who among us hasn’t felt the need to read a couple of good Daily jokes to brush away the stresses of a hard session at work, studying, on the Internet. Or just plain and simple because you feel like it. While Daily joke and Daily Quotes etc., websites are a dime a dozen on the Internet, really good ones are not so easy to come by. Most Daily jokes, Daily humor, Daily Puns, Daily Quotes, Daily Cartoons, Daily Riddles, Daily laffs, etc., websites use the same format of collecting their materials under obvious categories such as Lawyer Jokes, Doctor Jokes, Blond Jokes and the like. Some also sub collect them into categories such as Puns and lists. A lot of Daily Joke and Daily quote etc., websites, particularly by the British who seem to have a lot of time on their hands, laboriously give each single Daily jokes, Daily humor, and Daily Quotes their own title. Meaning you have no idea what you are going to see until you see it, even after having clicked around and clicked around endlessly until you found a title you liked. Wholelook.com is a whole new Daily jokes, Daily Quotes and Daily humor etc., website which steps to a different drummer, with an interesting format which makes the old versions of Daily quotes and Daily jokes websites look primitive. For those of you who like good Daily quotes and Daily humor websites, Wholelook.com is the answer to your prayers. It is the website brain eraser equivalent of a quick trip to the water cooler or quick break for coffee. As the brand new kid-on-the-block, Wholelook.com approaches the subject from an all new prospective. Instead of forcing you to rummage around in a slowly growing archive of numerous humour related materials under numerous topics, Wholelook.com present you with a quick tabloid of nine distinctly different ‘Daily joke, Daily Quote, and Daily Humour’ type categories such as Jokes, Quickies, Quotes, Puns, etc., providing three ‘Next’ views under each category. You click on the ones you like, or all, with repeats in each, and you didn’t have to go looking at all. The entire collection is refreshed twice daily, giving those of you who are too impatient to wait until the next day an all important double turn at the trough. Wholelook.com even includes a Daily Cartoon, visible on the home page. Any idiot can follow the navigation. In five minutes or less you are ready to return back to whatever you were doing fully recharged and ready to go. Even bosses would approve of this particular website. Similarly, all Daily joke and Daily quote etc., materials on Wholelook.com are Walt Disney approved. Parents would have no qualms about allowing access to their kids and you do not have to worry about wincing in mortification after recommending the Daily jokes and Daily quotes etc., to your Local Reverend.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Tax Jokes and Quotes
Do you realize that some tax forms ask you to check a box if you are BLIND?
Quote: “Two years ago it was impossible to get through on the phone to the IRS. Now it's just hard to get through. That's progress.” -Charles Rossotti, former IRS Commissioner
Disappointed that you never had time to write the great American novel? Don’t fret, just go dig out your past tax returns.
Quote: "The Eiffel Tower is the Empire State Building after taxes."
Under the Freedom of Information Act, a man with a small business sent a request to the IRS asking if they had a file on him. The IRS wrote back, “There is now.”
Quote: “It would be nice if we could all pay our taxes with a smile, but normally cash is required.”
Q: Who audits IRS agents?
Quote: “Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is quite as satisfying as an income tax refund.”
Q: How do you drive a CPA insane?
A: Fill out Form 1040EZ.
Quote: “The government deficit is the difference between the amount of money the government spends and the amount it has the nerve to collect."
Why is it that when the IRS loses a tax return, it is considered a mistake, but when you lose a receipt, it is considered tax evasion?
Quote: "The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling."
Q: How do you humble a person that flaunts their wealth?
A: Have them fill out a tax return.
Quote: “Even when you make a tax form out on the level, you don't know when it's through if you are a crook or a martyr.”
Q: Why is a tax audit like a tornado?
A: There's a lot of screaming and you end up losing your house.
Quote: “When are we going to be allowed to list the government as a dependent?”
People often say death and taxes are the same, but this is wrong. Death is a taxable event, but taxes never die.
Article Source: http://www.ArticlesandAuthors.com - THE Premier Site for Articles AND Authors
About this Article Author:
Richard A. Chapo is with BusinessTaxRecovery.com - obtaining tax refund recovery for overpaid small business taxes. Visit BusinessTaxRecovery.com to read more business tax articles or our new tax credits page.
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