SIT STAY!!!!
I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the
Super Wal-Mart Shopping Center and rolled
down the car windows to make sure my
Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air.
She was stretched full-out on the back seat
and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically,
"Now you stay. Do you hear me?"
"Stay! Stay!"
The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde young lady, gave me a strange look and said,
"Why don't you just put it inpark?"
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
funny stories
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter in to the emergency room right away.
Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming toward them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locater beacon that activated when the raft was inflated.
A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the Branch and wrote this, "Put all your money in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.
Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that; measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs.. He immediately mailed in his $40.
Wise guy........
A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.
The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license.
They arrested the robber two hours later.
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers.
The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass.
The whole event was caught on videotape.
We live in a semi-rural area, (Weyauwega , Wisconsin), and we recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! - I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."
STAY ALERT! They walk among us, they REPRODUCE
. . . and they VOTE!
Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming toward them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locater beacon that activated when the raft was inflated.
A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the Branch and wrote this, "Put all your money in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.
Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that; measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs.. He immediately mailed in his $40.
Wise guy........
A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.
The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license.
They arrested the robber two hours later.
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers.
The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass.
The whole event was caught on videotape.
We live in a semi-rural area, (Weyauwega , Wisconsin), and we recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! - I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."
STAY ALERT! They walk among us, they REPRODUCE
. . . and they VOTE!
5 Funny Love Poems
When most people think of love poems, they think of serious and soulful expressions of passion. Long sonnets by Shakespeare or romantic poems by Browning and Lord Byron are the norm for love poetry. However, funny love poems can be good for a laugh. They may not be romantic, but they do give your friends something to enjoy.
Some of the best funny love poems are limericks. Limericks started in Ireland and follow a standard form of five lines and a rhyme scheme of aabba. Here are a few limericks written by anonymous authors:
There once was an old man of Lyme
Who married three wives at a time
When asked "Why a third?"
He replied, "One's absurd!
And bigamy, Sir, is a crime."
There was a young fellow named Hammer
Whose had an unfortunate stammer
"The b-bane of my life"
Said he, "Is m-m-my wife
D-d-d-d-d-d-damn ‘er!"
She made friends with a young undertaker;
Her last boyfriend had forsaken her.
But she started to curse
When he turned up in a hearse.
She said next time I'll date a baker!
There was a young lady named Constance,
From boys she wouldn't stand any nonsense.
If her partners grew deft
She would lead with her left;
The results would not weigh on her conscience.
My sweetheart and I are just wed.
Already I wish I were dead.
Two weeks she's been spending.
It was time never ending.
We are thousands of pounds in the red!
Limericks are fairly easy to write if you can rhyme well, so you might try writing a limerick yourself that includes the name of your friend or loved one. This is a good way to make a funny love poem that is personalized.
You can find more information about funny poems at:
http://www.love-poems-quotes.info/funny-love-poems.html
Some of the best funny love poems are limericks. Limericks started in Ireland and follow a standard form of five lines and a rhyme scheme of aabba. Here are a few limericks written by anonymous authors:
There once was an old man of Lyme
Who married three wives at a time
When asked "Why a third?"
He replied, "One's absurd!
And bigamy, Sir, is a crime."
There was a young fellow named Hammer
Whose had an unfortunate stammer
"The b-bane of my life"
Said he, "Is m-m-my wife
D-d-d-d-d-d-damn ‘er!"
She made friends with a young undertaker;
Her last boyfriend had forsaken her.
But she started to curse
When he turned up in a hearse.
She said next time I'll date a baker!
There was a young lady named Constance,
From boys she wouldn't stand any nonsense.
If her partners grew deft
She would lead with her left;
The results would not weigh on her conscience.
My sweetheart and I are just wed.
Already I wish I were dead.
Two weeks she's been spending.
It was time never ending.
We are thousands of pounds in the red!
Limericks are fairly easy to write if you can rhyme well, so you might try writing a limerick yourself that includes the name of your friend or loved one. This is a good way to make a funny love poem that is personalized.
You can find more information about funny poems at:
http://www.love-poems-quotes.info/funny-love-poems.html
Monday, October 13, 2008
Paul Newman
A True Story.
A Michigan woman and her family were vacationing
in a small New England town where Paul Newman
and his family often visited. One Sunday morning, the woman got up early to
take a long walk. After a brisk five-mile hike, she
decided to treat herself to a double-dip chocolate
ice cream cone.She hopped in the car, drove to the center of the
village and went straight to the combination bakery/
ice cream parlor. There was only one other patron in the store: Paul
Newman, sitting at the counter having a doughnut
and coffee.The woman's heart skipped a beat as her eyes made
contact with those famous baby-blue eyes. The actor nodded graciously and the star struck woman smiled demurely.Pull yourself together! She chides herself. You're a happily married woman with three children, you're
forty-five years old, not a teenager! The clerk filled her order and she took the double-dip chocolate ice cream cone in one hand and her change in the other.
Then she went out the door, avoiding even a glance
in Paul Newman's direction.When she reached her car, she realized that she had
a handful of change but her other hand was empty. Where's my ice cream cone? Did I leave it in the store?
Back into the shop she went, expecting to see the
cone still in the clerk's hand or in a holder on the
counter or something!
No ice cream cone was in sight.
With that, she happened to look over at Paul Newman. His face broke into his familiar, warm, friendly grin
and he said to the woman, 'You put it in your purse.'
A Michigan woman and her family were vacationing
in a small New England town where Paul Newman
and his family often visited. One Sunday morning, the woman got up early to
take a long walk. After a brisk five-mile hike, she
decided to treat herself to a double-dip chocolate
ice cream cone.She hopped in the car, drove to the center of the
village and went straight to the combination bakery/
ice cream parlor. There was only one other patron in the store: Paul
Newman, sitting at the counter having a doughnut
and coffee.The woman's heart skipped a beat as her eyes made
contact with those famous baby-blue eyes. The actor nodded graciously and the star struck woman smiled demurely.Pull yourself together! She chides herself. You're a happily married woman with three children, you're
forty-five years old, not a teenager! The clerk filled her order and she took the double-dip chocolate ice cream cone in one hand and her change in the other.
Then she went out the door, avoiding even a glance
in Paul Newman's direction.When she reached her car, she realized that she had
a handful of change but her other hand was empty. Where's my ice cream cone? Did I leave it in the store?
Back into the shop she went, expecting to see the
cone still in the clerk's hand or in a holder on the
counter or something!
No ice cream cone was in sight.
With that, she happened to look over at Paul Newman. His face broke into his familiar, warm, friendly grin
and he said to the woman, 'You put it in your purse.'
Friday, October 10, 2008
Cowboy
A cowboy, who is visiting Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, 'You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.'
The cowboy replies, 'Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself.'
The bartender admits that this is a nice> custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, 'I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.'
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
'Oh, no, everybody's just fine, ' he explains, 'It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking.'
'Hasn't affected my brothers though.'
Thursday, October 9, 2008
women's ass size study
Women's Ass Size Study
There is a new study just released by the American Psychiatric Association about women and how they feel about their asses. The results are pretty shocking: 1. Only 5% of women surveyed feel their ass is too big. 2. 10% of women surveyed feel their ass is too small. 3. The remaining 85% say they don't care; they love him; he's a good man and they would have married him anyway.
There is a new study just released by the American Psychiatric Association about women and how they feel about their asses. The results are pretty shocking: 1. Only 5% of women surveyed feel their ass is too big. 2. 10% of women surveyed feel their ass is too small. 3. The remaining 85% say they don't care; they love him; he's a good man and they would have married him anyway.
Friday, October 3, 2008
The Shrink
EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM.
'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared.
I think I'm going crazy
.''Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.
'How much do you charge? ''Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor. 'I'll sleep on it,' I said. Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked. 'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money!
A bartender cured me for $10.
With an attitude, he asked, and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?
'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now ! ! !
SCREW THOSE SHRINKS.. GO HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO YOUR BARTENDER
'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared.
I think I'm going crazy
.''Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.
'How much do you charge? ''Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor. 'I'll sleep on it,' I said. Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked. 'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money!
A bartender cured me for $10.
With an attitude, he asked, and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?
'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now ! ! !
SCREW THOSE SHRINKS.. GO HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO YOUR BARTENDER
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